Be Fearless After 40: Why Saying No Feels So Hard After 40
No Drama Holidays, Episode 1
Host: Jacquie Edwards
[00:00] Picture this, it's the night before the big family day. 11 o'clock, you are on the kitchen floor wrapping the last gift, the one for your brother in law who won't even remember who it's from. Everyone else, they went to bed an hour ago. Nobody asked if you needed help. And you didn't ask because asking feels like making a fuss. Can I ask you something? When did you last spend a holiday the way you wanted to? Not the way your family expects. Not the way it's always been done, but the way you want. If you can't answer that, stay with me.
[00:38] Hello, my fearless friend, and welcome to Be Fearless After 40. I'm Jacquie. This is episode one of a six-part series called No Drama Holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Diwali, New Year, all of those, none of those, whatever lands on you this season. Over these six episodes, we're looking at why so many of us say yes when we mean no, and how to stop. Today, why is saying no so hard? Especially now, especially for women like us. Before we dive in, everything in this series comes with a free guide. How to Say No to Things You Don't Want to Do, Holiday Edition. Five simple steps with the exact words to use. It's at befearlessafter40.com/holiday. Grab it and I'll tell you more about it at the end.
[01:33] Does this sound familiar? Your sister calls. "We were thinking you'd host again this year?" she says. And you hear yourself say "Of course" before you've even taken a second to think. Afterwards, you sit in your car for a minute before going inside and you feel what? Tired? Sure. A bit sick and something else. Something you'd rather not look at. But let's look at it. For a lot of women, it's resentment. You resent your sister for asking. You resent your partner for assuming you'll handle it. And most of all, you resent yourself for saying yes again when you knew. Resentment is uncomfortable for us, isn't it? We're not supposed to feel it. Good women are grateful. So we push it down. And it comes out sideways, snapping at whoever left a mug on the counter, crying in the bathroom with the tap running, feeling flat all through January, and probably November and December as well, without knowing why. Then, there's the loneliness. You can be in a house surrounded by people and feel completely alone. Because you're the one checking everyone else is okay, and nobody is checking on you, not once. And if we're really honest, there's grief too. That quiet grief for the years already spent like this, the holidays you can't get back.
[03:06] And here's a harder question. If nobody would be upset, if there were no consequences at all, what would you actually want this year? Don't answer with what's reasonable. Answer with what you want. Maybe it's a quiet day at home. Maybe it's going somewhere warm, just two of you. Maybe it's seeing your family, but leaving at four. Maybe it's not cooking, not one single dish. If your answer came out fast, notice that. You've known for a while. And if you went blank, notice that too. So many of us can't answer that question. Not because we don't want anything, but because we stopped asking ourselves a long time ago.
[03:54] I no longer go out for Christmas. I mean, I grew up, of course, family Christmas. It was always tense. My mother was over stressed, overworked. Just, it was a nightmare. And there would be rushing around to my grandparents. When I was really young to great grandparents, all the family coming, going. It was just what it was. Then I now live in England with my husband. It was going to his family's for Christmas. Now there's one thing about being uncomfortable at your family's Christmas because at least it's your family. But when it's somebody else's family and you're getting to know what they're up to, what their traditions are to fit into all of their little life basically. It's a whole other story and a whole lot more awkwardness and just... Ugh. I strongly disliked it. I'm a massive introvert. I like being by myself. I like to do what I want to do when I want to do it, how I want to do it. I don't want to faff about with however anybody else wants to do things. But I did it because that's the nice thing to do. That's the right thing to do, right? Like, we're supposed to go to family for holidays. Like, how sad would it be if I spent Christmas by myself? And everybody expects it, right? Like, I have to go. Until I decided I didn't have to go. Not just decided, I just realized what the hell am I doing. I don't have to do anything, I don't want to do, and I don't want to do this. I don't want to go there and pretend I'm happy and to smile and to listen to stories I don't want to do. And to... Basically, agree with things that I don't want to agree with and I don't agree with. So I finally decided, no, I'm not going. And I'm not making up a bunch of excuses for why I'm not going to be there. I am just not going to go. I'm just going to say no. And it still feels a little bit weird. My husband still goes, spends the time with his family. I stay home and I have a wonderful freaking day on Christmas all by myself. It is delightful. And it is exactly what I want to do. It wasn't the easiest decision I ever made, but oh my goodness, I no longer, like, don't look forward to Christmas. I no longer have that stress about what am I going to do, how do I have to behave, what's going to happen this year? None of that. I just know I will be home. I can eat what I want when I want how I want, and things can just be my way. They can be easy, and they can still be full of love and Christmas joy. I can still decorate. I can still spend time with my husband. I can still talk to my family back home. I can talk to any friends that I want to. I can do whatever I want And yeah, it's changed my life. And I've been able to apply that to other areas of my life outside of the holidays as well. And that, I think, is a big key because it's not just the holidays. These things happen all the time.
[07:12] So, why is it so hard to say no? This isn't a personality flaw. You were trained. We all were. Think about what little girls get praised for. Being helpful, being good, sharing, not making a scene. Boys get "boys will be boys." Girls get "be nice to your brother." That is social conditioning and it goes deep. It sits inside a bigger system. Patriarchy. A system that has relied for a very long time on women doing the unpaid work of holding families together, doing the cooking, the remembering, the managing of everyone's feelings, keeping the peace. And holidays are where that unpaid work peaks. Look at who plans the meal, who buys the gifts, who writes the cards, who remembers who is vegetarian, who is vegan, who likes this, who doesn't like that, who quietly steers the conversation away from the relative who always starts an argument. In most families, it's the women. That's not a coincidence. It's how we were raised. It's how our mothers were raised and how their mothers were raised. So when you try to say no, you're not just turning down an invitation. You are going against decades of training, and a whole culture telling you a good woman puts herself last. Of course, it feels terrible. That's not a sign you're wrong. That's a sign of how strong the conditioning is.
[08:39] After 40, it's often harder, not easier. You've had decades of practice, and you've been rewarded for it. I don't know how you do it all. What would we ever do without you? That praise feels good, but it also keeps you doing it. And something else happens around now too. As we hit our 40s, if we have had kids, they're growing up, parents are getting older, and we're starting to notice that time isn't endless. And a question gets louder and louder. If not now, when? That irritation you've been feeling, the shorter fuse, that's not you becoming difficult, that's you waking up.
[09:25] Here's what it looks like when it starts to shift. Not perfectly, but just differently. Your sister calls, you say, "Let me think about it." You hang up. You ask yourself what you want. Then you call back. I'm not hosting this year. I'd love to come to yours and I'll bring dessert. or whatever it is that you want to do. And she might be surprised. She might be annoyed. You might probably will feel guilty for a day or two. And then you'll notice something. Nothing collapsed. The whole world didn't fall apart. And you've got your December back. You've got even just that one day back. What usually comes first isn't the freedom, it's the fear, then relief. And then a little bit later, something you might not have felt in a long time respect. For yourself.
[10:19] Yes, you. Yes, now. Maybe you're thinking, my family's different. It's too late for me. It really will all collapse. I hear you and I disagree. You spent decades learning one way of doing things. You can learn another. At 40, 50, 60, 70, it doesn't have to happen all at once. And honestly, it doesn't happen all at once. We are always learning. I am always learning. Just like I no longer go anywhere for Christmas, you can find something that's meaningful for you. Somewhere that you start to decide and do what you want to do.
[11:06] Now, I've got two small things for you this week. First, when someone asks you for something, don't answer straight away. Say, "Let me get back to you." Second, in that gap, ask yourself one question. What do I actually want? Write it down if it helps. You might still say yes. That's fine, but if you do, say yes because you choose it, not because you are trained to.
[11:33] Now, I can't be there sitting next to you when your sister calls, but I can put the words in your hand. That's why I made my free guide. How to Say No to Things You Don't Want to Do, the Holiday Edition, five simple steps. How to tell a real yes from a guilty yes, word for word phrases for the invitations you dread and how to use silence when someone pushes. The invitations are probably already coming. The group chat is already planning, so don't wait until you're staring at your phone with your heart pounding. Pause this. Go to befearlessafter40.com/holiday and grab it now. It's free and it'll be in your inbox before this episode's even finished. The link's in the show notes as well.
[12:19] But maybe listening to this, you're realizing it isn't just about December. It's the same argument with your mother every single fucking year. The same partner who assumes every... Year, day, week, whatever. The friend who only calls when she needs something, the same exhaustion over and over, the same freaking drama. If that's you, the free guide is a brilliant start, but a few good phrases is not going to undo 40 years of training on its own. And that's what my course, Drama Free Relationships is for. It shows you the hidden pattern behind almost every family drama. Why you keep getting pulled into the middle of it, and exactly how to step out without cutting anyone off. It's four short video lessons with a workbook for each, and you can watch it on your phone in an evening before that first family gathering. It's $27. Less than one takeout night. And it could change every holiday from now on. Go to befearlessafter40.com/dramafree. If you really want the drama out of your life and not just out of your holidays, this is where you go next.
[13:45] Now, in the next episode, we're going after the guilt, where it comes from, what it's really telling you, and why feeling it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Until then, my fearless friend, notice the yes, and ask yourself what you want. You deserve an answer.
[14:03] Lots of love. I'm Jacquie. This is Be Fearless After 40. Stay bold, stay brave, and keep breaking the rules. I will talk to you next time.
