Be Fearless After 40: Three Christmases in One Day
No Drama Holidays, Episode 3
Host: Jacquie Edwards
[00:00] It's 8 a.m. at your parents' house. Presents, breakfast, your dad asking why you're leaving so early. Noon, his parents' house. Full roast dinner. You're too stuffed to eat, but you eat it anyway because his mother made it especially. 4 p.m., his dad and the new wife. Another dinner. The kids are crying in the back of the car. Nobody's happy, least of all you. Then, on the drive home, 10 at night, your phone buzzes. It's your mother. "Shame you couldn't stay longer, darling." Merry fucking Christmas. Hello, my fearless friend, and welcome back to Be Fearless After 40. I'm Jacquie, and this is episode 3 of No Drama Holidays. Today we're talking about the family circuit. The in-laws, the driving, the fairness math, the side of the family that punishes you for not showing up. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Diwali, New Year's, whatever. It doesn't matter which. If there's a family, there's a circuit.
[01:10] And if you're dreading this circuit already, my free guide has the exact words for it. It's at befearlessafter40.com/holiday.
[01:19] More on that at the end. The in-laws, let's start here because so many of us dread it and feel like we're not allowed to say so. You spend your precious days off in someone else's house doing someone else's dishes, while your partner sinks into the couch with his family and turns back into a 12-year-old who's never seen a dishwasher. And you're in the kitchen with his mother who has opinions about your cooking your parenting your job your hair, why the kids are so picky. While you're still working. His family, his mother, your labour.
[02:01] And here's the bit we don't say out loud. You don't even like being there. You'd never say it, because they're family and you're supposed to be grateful to be included, but every year a little piece of you dies on that drive over. And it's not just the holidays, is it? It's the mother-in-law, or the father-in-law, or the sister-in-law who turns up on a random Tuesday without calling first. The holidays are just when you can't escape. Then there's the math. "We did your parents last Thanksgiving, so we have to do mine this Christmas, but my sister's coming this year, so we have to do my family. But your mom's not getting any younger. You should be here." It's a spreadsheet of guilt. And somehow you're always the one keeping it. Remembering who got which holiday, who felt left out, who's keeping score. And nobody wins because however you split it, someone's going to be disappointed.
[03:03] And somehow it's always going to be your fault. And if you get that math wrong or worse, if you dare to choose for yourself, the temperature drops. The clipped "fine." The text with no emoji from a woman who normally sends six. The Facebook photo of everyone else around the table posted where you are for sure going to see it. The phone call that doesn't come on Christmas Day. And you spend that whole holiday with a knot in your stomach rehearsing your apology for something you didn't do wrong.
[03:41] And here's the real kicker, the thing that makes you want to scream into a pillow. You didn't want to go to either of them, any of them. What you actually wanted was to stay home in your pajamas with a coffee you got to finish while it was still fucking hot. But that wasn't on the spreadsheet, was it? You were never on the spreadsheet. So, let me ask you, if you could design the day from scratch with nobody to disappoint, where would you wake up? Who would you be with? Who wouldn't you be with? What time would you eat? Would you cook at all? Don't edit the answer. Just notice it. That answer.
[04:27] What would you do? That's the part of you that's been sitting in the back seat of your car for 20 years, being driven or driving from one obligation to the next. So why do we keep doing the circuit year after year when it's making us miserable? It's because we were trained to be the keepers of the family. Sociologists have a name for it. They call it "kin work." All the invisible labor of keeping a family connected. The cards, the calls, the birthdays, the visits, the making sure grandma isn't left out. And study after study shows women do most of it. Not because we're naturally better at it, but because it's expected of us. And we've been fed that expectation our whole lives. Think about what's on TV this time of year. The holiday movies where the big city career woman goes home for Christmas, falls for a guy in the flannel shirt, and learns what really matters.
[05:27] Spoilers, it's never her career. The ads where Mom bastes the turkey, everyone beams around the table and her reward is their smiles. Nobody ever shows her face down on the bed at 9 o'clock at night. Then the sitcoms where the overbearing mother-in-law marches in, uninvited, criticizes everything, and the wife is just supposed to take it, because that's family. Everybody Loves Raymond made a whole fucking show out of it. We laughed, and then we went and lived it. Notice who never has a breakdown about the seating plan in any of those stories? The men.
[06:11] And the silent treatment, there is a reason it works so well on us. As little girls, when someone we loved went cold, it felt like we were losing their love. Like danger. So we learned to fix it, fast, at any cost. But you are not a little girl anymore, and someone choosing to sulk is their choice. Not your emergency. Here's something I teach in my course that changed how I see sulking. When someone goes quiet and cold, they're usually trying to get a need met without asking for it directly. They don't know how to say "I'm hurt, I wanted you there." So they play the victim and wait for you to rescue them. You can totally have compassion for that, but you still don't have to take the bait. Now imagine this. Christmas morning. You wake up when you wake up. Nobody needs to be anywhere.
[07:03] You see your family on the 27th for lunch for two hours. You leave whenever you want to, you drive home and you are not wrecked. And if someone sulks about it, you let them. You don't have to chase, you don't have to apologize. You get on with your lovely day. Here's a line you can try from my free guide: "We are staying home this year. We'd love to see you on the 27th." That's it. No explanation. No apology. No essay. And if they push: "But why? But your mother will be so upset. But we always do it this way." You say nothing. Let the silence sit there. People hate silence. They will scramble to fill it. And most of the time, they'll back down.
[07:48] Silence is your secret weapon. I go into exactly how to use it in the guide. That line and plenty more like it for the in-laws, the circuit, and the sulkers is in my free guide, How to Say No to Things You Don't Want to Do, Holiday Edition. Get it before the fairness math starts in your family group chat. Pause this, go to befearlessafter40.com/holiday and grab it now. It's free. And if you're noticing that this isn't just a holiday thing, that it's the same tug of war every birthday, every summer, every time someone gets their feelings hurt. That's the drama triangle at work. Someone plays the victim. "I guess we're just not important." You rush in to rescue. "No, no, we'll come." Of course we'll come. Then you resent the hell out of them and round and round it goes. My course, Drama Free Relationships, shows you how to step out of that loop for good.
[08:43] So you stop being the one everyone guilt trips into the car. Four short video lessons and a workbook. $27. Imagine this being the year you finally plan the holidays around what you want, and you actually start enjoying them. Start it tonight. befearlessafter40.com/dramafree.
[09:04] And next time, we are going right into the middle of the family drama. Being expected to take sides, listening to your mom complain about your dad for the 400th time, refereeing your brother and your dad at the dinner table, and how you can step out of it all without cutting anyone off. Until then, my fearless friend, ask yourself where you'd really like to wake up and take that answer seriously. Lots of love. I'm Jacquie and this is Be Fearless After 40. Stay bold, stay brave, and keep breaking the rules. Talk to you next time.
